The Oscar Speech I’ll Someday Give

Academy-Awards-photo-1-ArkoffThe Academy Awards have come and gone, and Oscar buzz has generally died down, except for John Travolta’s brilliant contribution to YouTube, which has spawned a multitude of parodies.

I’ve been thinking about what it takes to win one of those golden figurines, and coupled with some of my own creative ideas and aspirations, I decided to jot down a few notes on what I would say if I was one day standing on that stage.

Take a look.

* * *

My goodness! Thank you so much! I’m so surprised to be standing up here right now.  I mean, there were so many great films this year… There was Will Ferrell in Anchorman 4: The X-Rated Re-Release. I didn’t see it, but I heard it was disgusting.  And Sean Penn, I’m surprised your movie about how Republicans are the devil even though God doesn’t exist didn’t win.  It seemed like a shoe-in.  After all, this is the Academy Awards.

Thank you everyone so much.  First and foremost, I’d like to thank God for getting me here.  Everything I have in life is a direct result of the sacrifice and resurrection of Jesus Christ.  Everything I do is to bring glory to the name of Jesus, so this is His award, not mine.  He comes up with the ideas, He tells me what to do; I’m just the errand boy.

And for all of you watching at home, know that anything is possible.  You do not have to compromise your beliefs to do great things.  If you stick with God, you will do mighty things.  It is a guarantee.

I’d also like to thank my beautiful wife.  Cheyne, thank you for always believing in me!  I remember walking through Central Park with you in 2011, and on that fateful morning you convinced me that it was okay for me to follow my dreams.  If it weren’t for your overwhelming confidence in me over the last fifteen years, I’d probably be stuck in a cubicle somewhere, doing something I didn’t care about, and wasting all of the amazing talents God has placed in me.  Thank you for bringing me here.

I’d also like to thank my beautiful boys.  Jack, Paul, George, Ringo, William, Benjamin, and DANNY!  And my girls: Susie, Amanda, Beverly, Kimberly, Juanita, Apple Blossom, and Moon Unit Jr.  Believe in yourselves, but more importantly, believe in your God.  Together, you are destined to change the world.  Don’t let anyone tell you it can’t be done.

Finally, I’d like to thank every single person in this room.  Many of you have tried to use your success, fame, and fortune to make the world a better place.  You’ve taken up humanitarian causes, invested in clean water, education, and medicine for those less fortunate than you (which let’s face it, is basically everyone not in this room).  You’ve taught English to children, built houses, and given your time, wealth, and energy to leaving the world better than how you found it.

And yet, why have you done all of these amazing things?  Surely it’s not out of the goodness of your hearts.  If mankind were inherently good, those sorts of things wouldn’t be necessary or uncommon.  No, we do these good works because we recognize that man is not good.  Look at the terrible things man has done throughout history.  Look at the world we live in today.  In fact, every person in this room will admit that half of our country is working toward evil.  Whether it’s promoting abortion or its counterpart, the so-called “war on women,” we all think that we’re all completely evil.

So we do these good things in an attempt to assuage the darkness we know is within.  And let me tell you.  No amount of good things, no amount of noble deeds, no amount of orphanages or hospitals or houses or schools we build will ever change the fact that we are all inherently sinful.  The only thing that can change that is direct intervention by God alone. 

So stop trying to get to heaven on your own terms.  Stop trying to earn your own salvation.  Stop resisting what you already know to be true.  Ask God to invade your life.  Receive the free gift of salvation.  And let Jesus Christ completely transform you.

Thank you again, and if any of you want to call me a bigot after the show, I’ll be in the lobby.  Thank you!

* * *

Do you think I’ll get that all in before the music starts playing?  Best Animated Short probably doesn’t get that much time to speak.  I supposed I’ll have to aim higher, like for Best Film or somethin’.

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