God promised Abraham a family, and told him that his new family would be a blessing to every family in the world. Yet Abraham allows his wife to be taken into another man’s harem, has an affair, then lets his wife treat his mistress poorly. Abraham’s son, Isaac, also allows his wife to be taken into another man’s harem.
Isaac’s son, Jacob, begins a generational legacy of deception. Jacob deceives his brother to steal his birthright, then deceives his father to steal his blessing. Jacob is deceived by his uncle, then deceives his uncle before fleeing from his home. Rachel deceives her father and steals his idols. Jacob’s sons deceive the inhabitants of Shechem and then kill them all. Reuben deceives his father’s third wife into his bed. Joseph’s brothers sell Joseph into slavery, then deceive their father about his fate. Judah deceives Tamar concerning the marriage of his son, then Tamar deceives Judah into her bed.
After 22 years in Egypt, Joseph comes face to face with his brothers, and continues the deception of this broken family. He lies about his identity, then alternatingly steals from them and plants stolen goods on them. Their youngest brother is found with a stolen cup in his pack (using the same language from the Rachel-Laban story), and as far as his brothers know, Benjamin had deceived everyone to steal this prized goblet.
Over the course of several hundred years, we’ve witnessed a family that is supposed to bless the world, but they can’t even get over their own crap and bless one another.
But then Judah stands up. He confesses to Joseph what he had done. He offers to take the place of his supposedly guilty brother Benjamin (just as Judah’s descendant Jesus would do for us). He ends the legacy of deception. Joseph responds by confessing his deceptions, and the family is finally reunited.
Abraham’s descendants were supposed to bless the world. But before they could, they had to get their household in order and learn to bless each other. You, too, are supposed to bless the world. Start today with the people living under your roof.
While ministering in the region of Judea beyond the Jordan, a group of Pharisees came to Jesus and tested Him by asking a series of questions about marriage and divorce:
“Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any reason?” (Matthew 19:3)
“Why did Moses command to give a certificate of divorce and to put her away?” (v. 7)
To these questions, Jesus responds that “what God has joined together, let not man separate” (v. 6) and “Whoever divorces his wife—except for sexual immorality—and marries another commits adultery” (v. 9).
Jesus’ answer seems pretty straightforward: The only justification for divorce is sexual immorality (literally porneia, or fornication) and every other divorce constitutes adultery. But there appears to be an inconsistency. Why did Jesus tell Moses that divorce “for any reason” was permissible 1,400 years earlier?
Sure, we could chalk it up to the hardness of the Israelites’ hearts (v. 8), but doesn’t that leave an opening for Christian divorce today, so long as one claims that hearts have been hardened? While the divorce rate among Christians is lower than among non-Christians, it still rests around 20-25 percent, meaning around 1 in 4 Christian couples appear to be using this “hardened heart” loophole to excuse their divorces.
What’s more, Paul’s letter to the Corinthians has been used to justify divorce as well. Paul writes that “if the unbelieving spouse departs, let him depart; a brother or sister is not under bondage in such cases” (1 Corinthians 7:15).
Jesus says that divorce is only permissible in cases of sexual immorality, Paul says divorce is permissible when your spouse wants a divorce, and Moses says divorce is permissible for any reason. How can we explain these contradictions to establish a consistent view of marriage and divorce?
The answer is simple: neither Moses nor Paul disagree with Jesus.
Moses and Divorce
Let’s examine Moses’ view of divorce:
“When a man takes a wife and marries her, and it happens that she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some uncleanness in her, he writes her a certificate of divorce, puts it in her hand, and sends her out of his house.” (Deuteronomy 24:1)
Notice that Moses didn’t say a man could divorce his wife “for any reason”; Moses required that two conditions be met to qualify for a divorce:
Some uncleanness was found in her
The uncleanness caused the husband to find no favor in his wife anymore
So why would the Pharisees ask Jesus if it was permissible to divorce a wife “for any reason” when Moses made no such claim?
It’s because there was disagreement in first century Judaism was Moses meant by “some uncleanness.” In Hebrew, the phrase is “ervat dabar,” which literally means “a naked thing.” The Jews weren’t sure what “a naked thing” meant, so three different schools of thought were formed to translate Moses’ command.
Rabbi Shammai taught that an ervat dabar was a sexually sinful act—a sin that required the participants to be naked. Rabbi Hillel, on the other hand, believed that ervat didn’t mean “naked” so much as “shameful,” and thus taught that a man could divorce his wife for anything he considered shameful. In fact, Hillel went as far as to state that “burning your husband’s toast” was shameful enough to warrant a divorce. Finally, Rabbi Akiva taught that the ervat dabar wasn’t even relevant to the divorce, and that all that was required was that the wife no longer find favor in her husband’s eyes. Even if the wife had never done anything wrong, Akiva went as far as to say that “if [a husband] finds another woman more beautiful than [his wife],” he could divorce her.
To summarize, the three prevailing schools of thought during Jesus’ ministry were that divorce is lawful when (a) a spouse commits sexual sin; (b) a wife does anything her husband doesn’t like; and (c) a husband wants a divorce.
This would explain why the Pharisees question to Jesus was considered a “test” (v. 3). They wanted Jesus on record for which school of thought He subscribed to. Thus, when Jesus answers that divorce is only permissible in the case of sexual immorality, He isn’t disagreeing with Moses; rather He is agreeing with Moses and clarifying Moses’ position to those who had misused Moses’ words to justify divorce for any reason.
Paul and Divorce
But what about Paul? Before examining Paul’s words, we need to make something very clear in how we interpret these epistles. The first is that Paul is not going to disagree with Jesus. Contrary to the heretical views of some teachers, Paul is not the foundation of New Testament teaching; Jesus is (Jesus is the foundation of Old Testament teaching as well). Paul didn’t come to correct Jesus’ “old covenant” teaching; Paul was sent by Jesus to strengthen the Church with the teachings of Christ.
And Jesus plainly taught that to divorce (for any reason other than sexual immorality) and remarry was to commit adultery. Therefore, we must accept that, whatever Paul appears to be teaching, it cannot disagree with the clear teachings of our Messiah.
With that out of the way, let’s examine Paul’s view of divorce:
“Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband. But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife.” (1 Corinthians 7:10, 11)
This doesn’t seem as contradictory as we have been led to believe. Paul writes that, according to God, married people are commanded to not depart from their spouses. But even if they do depart, they are to remain unmarried until they are reconciled with their spouse. And under no circumstances are they to get a divorce.
Paul’s teaching, which he claims is commanded by the Lord Himself, seems very consistent with Jesus and Moses. So where does the confusion come from?
It comes from the next four verses. But notice how Paul prefaces the following section:
“But to the rest I, not the Lord, say…” (1 Corinthians 7:12)
Notice that two things change in this next passage. First, Paul’s audience changes. Before he was writing to married couples, while now he is writing to “everyone else.” Next, the author changes. Before God was commanding; now Paul is sharing his opinion. That’s not to say that Paul’s opinion is wrong. It is included in the divinely inspired scriptures, and we should treat it as such. At the same time, we shouldn’t allow Paul’s (God-inspired) thoughts in verses 12-15 to outweigh God’s clear commands in verses 10-11. Instead, we should view these verses as God-breathed commentary on the previous verses that will clarify (not contradict) God’s teachings on marriage.
And after telling married couples how they should behave, what does Paul tell “everyone else”? Not to judge a Christian who is married to a non-Christian and not to judge a Christian who has been abandoned by a non-Christian.
“A woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife.” (vv. 13, 14)
“If the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases.” (v. 15)
At the beginning of this passage (vv. 10, 11), God had commanded that married couples were under no circumstances to divorce. Here Paul tells people on the outside of these marriages that they aren’t to judge a Christian who remains married to an unbeliever—for the unbeliever and their children will become holy because of the faithfulness of the Christian spouse—nor are they to bring condemnation on a fellow Christian who has been left by an unbelieving spouse. Nowhere in this passage does God (or Paul) say divorce is a lawful option for Christians. Rather, Paul follows up God’s command to reject divorce by teaching fellow parishioners to be supportive of those in troubled marriages rather than judgmental.
In other words, Paul agrees with Moses and Jesus: divorce isn’t an option for Christians, even those who are married to unbelievers.
What About Hardened Hearts?
After clarifying Moses’ and Paul’s teachings on marriage and divorce, let’s return to Jesus teaching.
“Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh?’ So then, there are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” (Matthew 19:4-6)
To make His case concerning marriage and divorce, Jesus doesn’t appeal to Moses or the Law (as great as those two are); He appeals to creation itself. From the very beginning, marriage was an irreversible act. When a man marries a woman, God turns the two of them into one new thing. It cannot be undone, even if a court issues a piece of paper.
So why then did Moses sometimes allow for divorce? “Because of the hardness of your hearts.”
Hardened hearts—which in scripture signify a lack of faith that results of a lack of obedience (Mark 16:14, Deuteronomy 10:16, Jeremiah 4:4)—is why we have divorce today. People refuse to trust God with their marriages and their families, and it results in humans trying to do the impossible—to separate what God has joined together—which causes disaster for all involved.
Why might a spouse commit ervat dabar, or sexual sin? Because of a hardened heart toward God and their spouse. And why might a scorned spouse seek a divorce from a partner who sinned against them? Because of a hardened heart toward God and their spouse.
Jesus’ point is that, even in the face of adultery, divorce was permitted because of hardened hearts. It might be difficult to accept, but God’s will in the case of ervat dabar is for forgiveness and reconciliation to take place. Even sin shouldn’t separate what God has joined together.
After all, while God has historically separated Himself from His idolatrous and adulterous people, He has always striven to be reconciled. God has only ever had one bride: the True Israel, the Ecclesia, the Church of God.
In summary: Creation, the Law, the Gospels, and the Epistles all agree. Divorce and remarriage aren’t really an option. While technically divorce would be permissible in the case of fornication (ervat dabar), this is only because we have hardened our hearts to God and to each other. If our hearts are right, we should seek reconciliation and avoid trying to separate what God has joined together.
In the opening verses of Ruth, we are introduced to a tragic family. When a famine strikes the land, a Judahite named Elimelech takes his wife and two sons and moves to the pagan nation of Moab, where his sons are quickly married off to Moabite women. Over the next few years, Elimelech and his two sons die, leaving the three women all alone.
We’re only five verses into the chapter and we’ve got a dead parent and two dead sons living in the wrong place. The question is, have we read this story before?
Lot and the Moabites
By Genesis 13, God had exceedingly abundantly blessed Abram. In fact, Abram and his people had prospered so much that the land could hardly support Abram’s—and his nephew Lot’s— herds. As a result, Lot made the choice to leave his uncle and strike off on his own. His destination? The beautiful city of Sodom.
That’s right. Rather than give up a few of his earthly possessions and stick with one of the only godly men on the planet, Lot decided to relocate his family to a city so wicked that God would soon be forced to wipe it off the map in a few short years.
Those few short years pass and soon enough, Lot and his family are evacuated as fire rains down from heaven upon Sodom. During the evacuation, Lot’s wife, along with his two sons-in-law, foolishly choose to disobey God’s instructions and end up getting themselves killed. Widowed Lot takes his two widowed daughters and escapes to the mountains, essentially giving up on human civilization and the continuation of their family.
Lot’s daughters begin to worry about the legacy of their father. Without husbands, they would be unable to produce children and thus Lot’s family would end with them—a shameful thing in the ancient world. So the girls come up with a plan:
“Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve the lineage of our father.” (Genesis 19:32)
Their plan is to get their dad black-out drunk, rape him, and birth incestual children—all to protect Lot’s family legacy. The firstborn of these two children was named Moab, and he became the father of the Moabite people.
Notice the elements of this Moabite origin story:
A disobedient family in the wrong place at the wrong time
A dead parent and two dead sons
A concern about the continued lineage of the patriarch
Sexual sin as a means to fix the problem
All of this might sound familiar. But before returning to Ruth, can you think of any other stories that follow this pattern?
Judah and Tamar
After reading about the early life and betrayal of Joseph, the narrative pauses to tell us a story about Judah. After selling his brother into slavery, we are told that “Judah departed from his brothers” and from the land God had given his family to dwell with the Canaanites (Genesis 38:1). Judah marries a local woman and has three sons—Er, Onan, and Shelah.
Er marries a woman named Tamar, but before they have any children Er’s wicked lifestyle catches up with him and he dies childless. As was the custom of the day, another male from the deceased’s family—usually a brother—would marry the widow and produce children to preserve the lineage of the deceased. Judah follows this custom and has his second son Onan marry Tamar. However, Onan follows in his brother’s wickedness and soon dies, again without any children. Finally, we are told that Judah’s wife died as well.
According to the law, Judah should have then arranged a marriage between his son Shelah and Tamar. However, fearing that Shelah will stray into wickedness and die as well, Judah refuses.
So just as Lot’s daughters before her, Tamar takes matters into her own hands. She takes off her mourning clothes and puts on—well, she puts on a lot less. She dresses herself like a prostitute and stands on the corner outside Judah’s place, hoping to lure him into bed.
And as you would expect of a sinful and lonely man, the plan works perfectly. Soon enough, Tamar is pregnant with twin babies—all to protect Judah’s family legacy. The firstborn of these two children was named Perez, and he became the primary line of the Judahite people.
Take note of the parallels between this story and that of the Moabites:
A disobedient family in the wrong place at the wrong time
A dead parent and two dead sons
A concern about the continued lineage of the patriarch
Sexual sin as a means to fix the problem
Now with all this context in mind, let’s return to the story of Ruth.
Ruth and Boaz
The narrative begins with the first two elements we saw in the stories of Lot and Judah: (1) a disobedient family who moved to the wrong place; and (2) a dead parent and two dead sons. Following the pattern, we should expect a woman to tempt a man into sexual sin in order to continue the patriarch’s lineage. But instead, something happens that changes the trajectory of the whole story.
Ruth chooses to return to Judah.
But Ruth said:
“Entreat me not to leave you,
Or to turn back from following after you;
For wherever you go, I will go;
And wherever you lodge, I will lodge;
Your people shall be my people,
And your God, my God.” (Ruth 1:16)
Rather than remain in a pagan country, marry a pagan man, and serve pagan gods, Ruth goes back to the place where Yahweh was visiting His people (Ruth 1:6). She embraces a new people, a new land, and a new God.
Once in the land of Judah, Ruth ends up working the fields of Boaz, a close relative of her father-in-law Elimelech. From Passover to Pentecost, she returns daily to Boaz’s land, hoping to win his affection—along with a marriage proposal. However, after fifty days he still hasn’t made his move.
So Ruth takes matters into her own hands.
She takes a steamy bath and shaves her legs. She puts on makeup and perfume. She throws on her hottest dress. And in the middle of the night, she heads over to Boaz’s place.
Based on the pattern of Lot and Judah, this is where we’d expect Ruth to entice Boaz into some sort of sexual sin to close the deal. But instead, Ruth finds Boaz (passed out drunk, no less)—and sits quietly at the foot of his bed. After a few hours he wakes up and sees a shadowy figure by his bed. She immediately tells him, “Take me under your wing, for you are my family redeemer” (Ruth 3:9).
She calls him to action, but she wants things done by the books.
The next morning, Boaz heads into town and completes all the paperwork. Soon after he and Ruth are married.
Family Redemption
Hundreds of years earlier, two families committed terrible sins that created problems for generations. The Moabites were born out of rape and incest; the Judahites were born from prostitution. And in the story of Ruth, everything was in place for those same sins to be repeated.
But instead, a Moabite woman decided to turn from her family’s sins and follow the true God. A Judahite man decided to turn from his family’s sins and obey God’s commandments. In the union of Ruth and Boaz, both Jew and Gentile redeemed their ancestor’s shame.
It’s no wonder God chose these two redeemers to be the patriarch and matriarch of a new family—the family of King David, which would culminate 32 generations later in Jesus the Messiah.
Our family started reading the Book of Esther today. The story begins with the King of Persia ordering his wife to come entertain his drunk buddies and her refusing. The king’s wisest counselors fear that other wives will disobey their husbands’ demands if the queen isn’t dealt with, so she is banished. The chapter ends with the king issuing a royal decree: “Each man shall be head in his own house.”
Here’s the thing: The king was right… sort of. Every man should be the head of his household. Wives should honor and follow their husbands. The king and his counselors were right. But they wanted to wield this role selfishly, rather than selflessly.
The man isn’t called to lead so he can have whatever he wants. He’s called to lead so he can serve and protect his household. The man leads by discipling his family, as Moses said (Deut. 6). The man leads by loving and sacrificing, as Paul said (Eph. 5). The man leads by serving, as Jesus said (Matt. 20).
The king and his counselors wanted the benefits of their position, but they didn’t want the responsibilities. They wanted to be leaders, but they didn’t want to lead.
It’s noteworthy that in the second chapter of Esther, we are introduced to a man—Mordecai—who spends the entire book serving and protecting others. And by the end of the book, the king’s wise counselors are replaced by this Mordecai, as the book concludes:
“Mordecai the Jew was second to the king… seeking the good of his people and speaking peace to all his countrymen.”
If you want to be “head of your own house,” follow Mordecai’s example. “Seek the good of your people.”
We’ve often heard verses like “train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart” or “do not provoke your children to wrath.” But when you read the Bible intentionally with the eyes of a parent, you’ll find that God is constantly talking about kids.
Here are a few verses that you may be unfamiliar with about children. I started praying these verses when my wife was pregnant with our first son, and we pray them over our kids every day. Hopefully there are a few new ones you can add to your list.
My children are taught by the Lord, and they have great peace (Isaiah 54:13)
The Holy Spirit will be upon my children and my children’s children (Isaiah 59:21)
God’s Word will always be in the mouths of my children and my children’s children (Isaiah 59:21)
My descendants will be mighty upon the earth (Psalm 112:1-2)
God will pour out His Spirit and His blessing upon my descendants (Isaiah 44:2-5)
My descendants will be known upon the Gentiles as the people whom the Lord has blessed (Isaiah 61:9)
My children will not be trouble. (Isiah 65:23-24)
God will answer my descendants’ prayers before they ask, and will hear their prayers as they pray (Isaiah 65:23-24)
My children will have a place of refuge (Proverbs 14:26)
God will not turn away from doing good to and for my children (Jeremiah 32:39-41)
God will put the fear of the Lord in their hearts, and they will not depart from Him (Jeremiah 32:39-41)
Things will go well for me, my children, and my children’s children (Deuteronomy 4:40)
Me and my descendants will dwell in prosperity, and they will inherit the earth (Psalm 25:12-13)
My descendants will inherit the nations, and rebuild communities (Isaiah 54:2-3)
God teaches my children and infants to tell of His strength (Psalm 8:2)
The Lord will bless and keep my children, and will shine His face upon them and be gracious to them (Numbers 6:27)
The Lord will lift up His countenance upon them and give them peace (Numbers 6:27)
Garrett Milovich 